{& then} I'm proud to be an American

"...where at least I know I'm freeeeeee..."

Okay sorry I'll stop. 

But I won't stop smiling/tearing up/giggling. I just won't. Because so much history has been made this week!

SO. MUCH.

(And coming from a girl who dates literally everything she writes on in the hopes that someday historians will find her writing and be grateful that she was so thoughtful in helping them piece together an accurate timeline, um YEA, I'm super pumped.)

First, Wendy Davis filibustered for 13 HOURS last night (almost all for naught thanks to opposing senate members whose biggest weapon was to call her out on tiny technicalities but we won't go into that because UGH). Except for when all hope seemed to be lost, Texas rallied. And ultimately SB5 was killed - a victory not only for reproductive rights, but also for the provision of health care to women all over this great state.

Check out all the love:

#standwithwendy

AND THEN (!):

This morning my sweet friend/coworker and I sat with our eyes glued to to SCOTUS blog. We watched as the Supreme Court ruled DOMA unconstitutional and dismissed Prop 8. Once we were sure we read the findings right (because I went to college not law school, folks), we hugged and laughed and cried a little knowing that we are now BOTH seen as equal under the law.  <3

No matter your stance, the role of our government is to defend the Constitution and not personal beliefs, and certainly not to discriminate against a minority. 

Justice Scalia put it best I think:

"It is enough to say that the Constitution neither requires nor forbids our society to approve of same-sex marriage, much as it  neither requires nor forbids us to approve of no-fault divorce, polygamy, or the consumption of alcohol."

In the past two days, law and order have succeeded in their intended purpose. Maybe not in every way that people had hoped (e.g. the voting rights act and now the NSA knows what you just Googled) but we have witnessed at least a few victories that area a part of larger struggles, and that is reason to celebrate.

"Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable...Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals."

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

{& then} you get writer's block

...and like not even in the fun way that's frustrating but still exciting because there are a bunch of other ideas floating around in your head but you can't focus on/move forward with a certain thought/idea/purpose.

It's very inconvenient.

You spend more time psychoanalyzing yourself or conveniently "letting" others distract the shit out of you and before you know it you sit back down to face the music and your anxiety levels are at an all time high.

Just do this. Stop being stupid about it. You're being lazy. What's so hard about it? Will you ever stop procrastinating? Do you really want to miss out on this opportunity?

It's more than that though. And just below the surface you can feel your brain/heart/soul start to get into it, but for God's sake just don't because ain't nobody got time for a melt down or an immobilizing self realization.

Just take some more shallow breaths, pour another diet coke and go listen to that one song you love to dance to in the car.

And then when you've convinced yourself that you're sufficiently distracted (in the right way this time), turn on some Bill Evans and try again.

Because if there's one thing that will take you to that perfect mental state of hopeful dreaming of the future and relaxed introspection about everything that's wrong with the world and how we should fix it (besides wine which just makes you sleepy so NO), it's jazz music.

You set this mood with a little Miles Davis, some Coltrane, Ellington, etc. But you always turn on the same tune to calm your nerves and get in the zone.

Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 

{& then} you get a history lesson/find a hero

Oh my sweet, conservative Texas, where have you been hiding this amazing woman all my life?!

I was browsing one of my faves today and happened upon Amy Poehler's interview with Holland Taylor (aka Professor Stromwell in Legally Blonde 2) about her latest project.

so. much. drooling! 

From Holland's seriously cool accomplishment of writing and starring in a killer original production, to Amy's exciting opportunity to interview Holland about it, to my discovery of the kick-ass former Governor Ann Richards - a fiery, honest, passionate, pioneer of a politician who broke through barriers and left a truly amazing legacy - and she's from Texas, y'all! 

This Monday just went from headache (because we know how to party hard on Father's Day, lemme tell ya) to happy dance! 

For your viewing/listening pleasure:

 (I may or may not have been listening to Ann's  1988 Democratic Convention speech and giggling quietly to myself the entire time I wrote this post.)

{& then} you wake up

...you wake up.

It's a random weekday around 3pm and you can feel yourself climbing out of the seemingly comfortable yet not the least bit supportive bean bag chair in your brain (actually you're in a cubicle and you should be entering a bunch of nonsense into excel but you're just so bored you can't take it anymore and don't tell my boss okay). 

You stand up, have a good stretch, peak through the blinds (the blinds in your brain, because there's no way in hell a wittle intern like yourself has a window view) and remember the enormous world out there. The world that has been living, breathing, laughing, crying hurting and healing the entire time that you decided to take a mental snooze.

You're not sure exactly when it started or how you got where you are today, but somewhere between major life achievement number 4/5, heartbreak number 328469512, your gazillionth failed attempt and some speed bumps/pot holes we'll call funemloyment and disillusionment, you checked out. Your heart grew cold towards seemingly hopeful yet fundamentally shallow and ineffective causes and campaigns. 

In fact, "hope" has become the most detestable four letter word in your vocabulary, and happy people are just  

t o o  m u c h. 

Some definite post-grad/post-whatever cynicism has set in so deep its roots have begun to choke out every foundation and lifeline you've ever known. Your family keeps asking where is the old you/ohmygosh that's a terrible thing to say/you haven't cried since when?? Not even those awful, Sarah Mclachlan, puppies are dying here's how you can help commercials work on you anymore.

Somewhere along the way you succumbed to the weight of uncertainty, dissatisfaction (both with yourself and your inability to DO something about anything that actually matters) and the constant conflict between your heart and your brain and things that people say and things that people do and just ALL of it.

But you just woke up.

And the same way you can't describe when exactly it was that you decided to take a lengthy, slightly depressed siesta,  in this moment your eyes feel a little fresher, your shoulders a little lighter, and your heart a little softer (read: total Grinch moment).

Your mom will say it's because of prayer, your bff will tell you life experiences have made you more confident, and your dog will be so confused when you finally start cleaning your room that she'll bark as if something is terribly wrong -- but you're still not 100% sure.

You just go with it though. 

It's a good feeling with a slightly unrecognizable yet somewhat life-giving vibe...

yep, just go with it.

As you tie your shoe laces you remind yourself, "I'm no one's savior, but damn it, this world will not be the same by the time I leave as it was when I arrived."

You take another look out the window (the one in your brain) before mustering up just enough determination to open the door and step outside. One breath of that musty city air is all it takes to remind you of the people and things that make your heart pound so fast and so hard that you think it might jump out of your chest. A stroll under the trees takes you to a place you haven't been in a while - a place of inspiration, a place of life. 

And then Classic "You" chimes in and reminds you that this happiness you're reveling in is a little on the cheesy side and just because you feel good right now doesn't make the world a better place and life still sucks sometimes and people are still the worst.

New(er) You politely just as sassily reminds Classic You that this won't be easy, that if it was it probably wouldn't be worth it, and you're probably going to have to stop and catch your breath and fight the urge to just go home and pull the blanket back over your head.

See, it's not so much that you ever became immediately apathetic, rather, there was so much to care about and so little to do about it (or so you thought) and over time you realized how much easier (at least at first) it was to hide away and ignore it all.

Under the guise of apathy, of course.

Instead of a convincing yourself that this is all one big happy ending, you keep walking down the sidewalk under the trees breathing in that musty city air and you convince yourself that it's so much better out here than in it is in there. That no matter how hard it becomes or how heavy it all is or how much worse people get, your place is right in the middle of it all.

Exactly where doesn't matter at this point, you resolve, but one thing is for sure ---

You can't go back.

You won't.