{& then} you wake up

...you wake up.

It's a random weekday around 3pm and you can feel yourself climbing out of the seemingly comfortable yet not the least bit supportive bean bag chair in your brain (actually you're in a cubicle and you should be entering a bunch of nonsense into excel but you're just so bored you can't take it anymore and don't tell my boss okay). 

You stand up, have a good stretch, peak through the blinds (the blinds in your brain, because there's no way in hell a wittle intern like yourself has a window view) and remember the enormous world out there. The world that has been living, breathing, laughing, crying hurting and healing the entire time that you decided to take a mental snooze.

You're not sure exactly when it started or how you got where you are today, but somewhere between major life achievement number 4/5, heartbreak number 328469512, your gazillionth failed attempt and some speed bumps/pot holes we'll call funemloyment and disillusionment, you checked out. Your heart grew cold towards seemingly hopeful yet fundamentally shallow and ineffective causes and campaigns. 

In fact, "hope" has become the most detestable four letter word in your vocabulary, and happy people are just  

t o o  m u c h. 

Some definite post-grad/post-whatever cynicism has set in so deep its roots have begun to choke out every foundation and lifeline you've ever known. Your family keeps asking where is the old you/ohmygosh that's a terrible thing to say/you haven't cried since when?? Not even those awful, Sarah Mclachlan, puppies are dying here's how you can help commercials work on you anymore.

Somewhere along the way you succumbed to the weight of uncertainty, dissatisfaction (both with yourself and your inability to DO something about anything that actually matters) and the constant conflict between your heart and your brain and things that people say and things that people do and just ALL of it.

But you just woke up.

And the same way you can't describe when exactly it was that you decided to take a lengthy, slightly depressed siesta,  in this moment your eyes feel a little fresher, your shoulders a little lighter, and your heart a little softer (read: total Grinch moment).

Your mom will say it's because of prayer, your bff will tell you life experiences have made you more confident, and your dog will be so confused when you finally start cleaning your room that she'll bark as if something is terribly wrong -- but you're still not 100% sure.

You just go with it though. 

It's a good feeling with a slightly unrecognizable yet somewhat life-giving vibe...

yep, just go with it.

As you tie your shoe laces you remind yourself, "I'm no one's savior, but damn it, this world will not be the same by the time I leave as it was when I arrived."

You take another look out the window (the one in your brain) before mustering up just enough determination to open the door and step outside. One breath of that musty city air is all it takes to remind you of the people and things that make your heart pound so fast and so hard that you think it might jump out of your chest. A stroll under the trees takes you to a place you haven't been in a while - a place of inspiration, a place of life. 

And then Classic "You" chimes in and reminds you that this happiness you're reveling in is a little on the cheesy side and just because you feel good right now doesn't make the world a better place and life still sucks sometimes and people are still the worst.

New(er) You politely just as sassily reminds Classic You that this won't be easy, that if it was it probably wouldn't be worth it, and you're probably going to have to stop and catch your breath and fight the urge to just go home and pull the blanket back over your head.

See, it's not so much that you ever became immediately apathetic, rather, there was so much to care about and so little to do about it (or so you thought) and over time you realized how much easier (at least at first) it was to hide away and ignore it all.

Under the guise of apathy, of course.

Instead of a convincing yourself that this is all one big happy ending, you keep walking down the sidewalk under the trees breathing in that musty city air and you convince yourself that it's so much better out here than in it is in there. That no matter how hard it becomes or how heavy it all is or how much worse people get, your place is right in the middle of it all.

Exactly where doesn't matter at this point, you resolve, but one thing is for sure ---

You can't go back.

You won't.